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My family’s costing me a fortune

Des Tennis walks onto stage to applause of highly drugged-up audience.

Des
(for it is he)
Hello and welcome to this week’s exciting edition of ‘My Family’s costing me a fortune’, the game show that does for quality TV what Mad Dog does for celibacy. (Huge roar of laughter from hysterical audience). Let’s go and meet the families. (Des bounds across studio to sound of plinkety-plonk music). This is the Youngstar family, who are captained by Malcolm, who tonight seems to be wearing a most fashionable Zoot suit (snigger). So, Malc, introduce me to your lovely family.
Malc Thanks Des. To my immediate left is my Uncle Kevin, and next to him is my little nephew Dick, and at the end is our adopted son, Bill.
Des Thanks Malc (still trying not to laugh and Malc’s appalling dress sense). Now let’s go and meet the Maddoge family. Simon, as head of the clan, introduce me to your team.
Dog Ta much Des. My team consists of, in no particular order whatsoever, my second-cousin-twice-removed-with-a-bed-pan Graham, his twin bro’ Gilly, and his wickedly crucial uncle Matt.
Dez Thanks Dog. Now let’s play of ‘My Family’s costing me a fortune’. (More obnoxious music, drowned out by wild applause from studio audience). Malc, Dog, hands on the buzzers. Here’s your first question. What is the most frightening thing in the world?
Malc Buzzzzzz’. Dick Bonney buying a round! (Roars of laughter from extremely pissed up audience).
Fez Let’s see. Computer, what does that score? (‘Bing bongas zero appears on scoreboard). Perhaps it’s because nobody’s ever seen Dick actually get a round in in the first place? (Medics rush in and take 2 people to hospital with acute stomach cramps due to laughing too much). Dog, what do you think is the most frightening thing in the world?
Dog Brian Ahearn towelling himself down after a shower. (Groans of disgust and horror and chucking up from studio audience).
Fez Well, that scores a creditable 14 points. Do you want to play or pass?
MD We’ll play please, Fezy Boy. (More cringeing music as Fez bounds across the studio).
Tez Gilly, you must have seen some pretty frightening things in your time. What was the most frightening?
Silly Being stuck in a mini-bus next to Dale Harrison just after he’s consumed a four pack of baked beans.
Tennis Not just frightening Gilly, but life threatening too!! Computer, how does that horror story score? (‘Bing bongas a huge ‘7’ flashes onto the scoreboard). Graham, your parrot like renditions of your lifetime batting averages excluded, what’s the most frightening thing you can think of?
Cakey Malc Swann’s map reading Skills, or lack of them.
Tennis Good answer. That scores 17. That means that you, Matt, must score at least 12 or more to take this first round. Youngstar family, stand by. Over to you, MC.
Rebel I don’t know about you Des, but Malc Swann’s dress sense scares the s##t out of me!!
Elbow Looks like old Swanny is coming in for a bit of stick tonight. But will he get the last laugh by winning this first game? Let’s see. Computer. What does that piece of abuse score? ('10' flashes on to the scoreboard). Just short’ I’m afraid. (Groans of disappointment from audience). But let’s see what the Youngstar family can do. (Fez bounds across studio, whipping up audience in to a wild frenzy). So, Kez, as by far the oldest person here tonight, you must have seen some pretty frightening things over the centuries. What’s your suggested answer?
Chaos No doubt about it, Des, it has to be Gilly’s singing. (He’s f##king dead!! Ed.)
Elbow Let’s see what that scores. ‘Ping’. Only 5. Dick, what frightens you?
Silver Fox Exercise (Roars of laughter from audience by now illegally high on drugs and anything else you can think of).
Fez That maybe so, but it’s not quite the answer we were looking for. So, Dick, what is the second most frightening thing to you?
Fox ‘n’ hounds Kev mason’s physiotherapy bill. (More bellowing from studio audience, as Mason pulls yet another hamstring).
Fez That scores 15. Not bad, but will it be enough? Bill, you need 29 points to win. What’s your answer?
Banjo ‘And did those feet, in ancient times.......’
Audience, on verge of hyperventilation, flee in droves to retain what sanity they have left as show comes to an abrupt halt.

The End

 

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