- (for it is he)
|Hello and welcome to this weeks
exciting edition of My Familys costing me a fortune, the game show that
does for quality TV what Mad Dog does for celibacy. (Huge roar
of laughter from hysterical audience). Lets go and meet the families. (Des bounds across studio to sound of plinkety-plonk music).
This is the Youngstar family, who are captained by Malcolm, who tonight seems to be
wearing a most fashionable Zoot suit (snigger). So,
Malc, introduce me to your lovely family.
||Thanks Des. To my immediate left is my
Uncle Kevin, and next to him is my little nephew Dick, and at the end is our adopted son,
||Thanks Malc (still
trying not to laugh and Malcs appalling dress sense). Now lets go
and meet the Maddoge family. Simon, as head of the clan, introduce me to your team.
||Ta much Des. My team consists of, in no
particular order whatsoever, my second-cousin-twice-removed-with-a-bed-pan Graham, his
twin bro Gilly, and his wickedly crucial uncle Matt.
||Thanks Dog. Now lets play of
My Familys costing me a fortune. (More
obnoxious music, drowned out by wild applause from studio audience). Malc,
Dog, hands on the buzzers. Heres your first question. What is the most frightening
thing in the world?
Dick Bonney buying a round! (Roars of laughter from extremely pissed up audience).
||Lets see. Computer, what does that
score? (Bing bong as
zero appears on scoreboard). Perhaps its because nobodys ever seen
Dick actually get a round in in the first place? (Medics rush in
and take 2 people to hospital with acute stomach cramps due to laughing too much).
Dog, what do you think is the most frightening thing in the world?
||Brian Ahearn towelling himself down
after a shower. (Groans of disgust and horror and chucking up
from studio audience).
||Well, that scores a creditable 14
points. Do you want to play or pass?
||Well play please, Fezy Boy. (More cringeing music as Fez bounds across the studio).
||Gilly, you must have seen some pretty
frightening things in your time. What was the most frightening?
||Being stuck in a mini-bus next to Dale
Harrison just after hes consumed a four pack of baked beans.
||Not just frightening Gilly, but life
threatening too!! Computer, how does that horror story score? (Bing bong as a huge 7
flashes onto the scoreboard). Graham, your parrot like renditions of your
lifetime batting averages excluded, whats the most frightening thing you can think
||Malc Swanns map reading Skills, or
lack of them.
||Good answer. That scores 17. That means
that you, Matt, must score at least 12 or more to take this first round. Youngstar family,
stand by. Over to you, MC.
||I dont know about you Des, but
Malc Swanns dress sense scares the s##t out of me!!
||Looks like old Swanny is coming in for a
bit of stick tonight. But will he get the last laugh by winning this first game?
Lets see. Computer. What does that piece of abuse score? ('10'
flashes on to the scoreboard). Just short Im afraid. (Groans of disappointment from audience). But lets
see what the Youngstar family can do. (Fez bounds across studio,
whipping up audience in to a wild frenzy). So, Kez, as by far the oldest
person here tonight, you must have seen some pretty frightening things over the centuries.
Whats your suggested answer?
||No doubt about it, Des, it has to be
Gillys singing. (Hes f##king
||Lets see what that scores.
Ping. Only 5. Dick, what frightens you?
of laughter from audience by now illegally high on drugs and anything else you can think
||That maybe so, but its not quite
the answer we were looking for. So, Dick, what is the second most frightening thing to
||Kev masons physiotherapy bill. (More bellowing from studio audience, as Mason pulls yet another
||That scores 15. Not bad, but will it be
enough? Bill, you need 29 points to win. Whats your answer?
||And did those feet, in ancient
||Audience, on verge of
hyperventilation, flee in droves to retain what sanity they have left as show comes to an