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The Quiz

Yes folks, it’s time for the ever popular quiz again. Remember, all the questions are based on events that have actually happened. So get those thinking caps on, and good luck.

1. During pre-season, the team has its usual Monday night nets at the County Ground. You are the club scorer, but still come along for the banter and general camaraderie. This particular night, you notice a tasty bit of totty behind the bar, and so decide to make your presence felt. What do you do next?
    1. Buy her a drink, have a nice chat, and then return to your mates.
    2. Tell her during the day that you work for express Lifts, and that you don’t mind going up and down after work for as long as it takes.
    3. Get all excited at seeing her bra strap through the back of her blouse, and end up with a kayak down your jogging bottoms.
2. You are a newcomer to the club, and with your deviating fast bowling, have been described as the new ‘great white hope’. Despite this apparent abundance of talent (shurely shome mishtake? Ed.), you do possess rather a fiery temperament, which is sometimes difficult to control. During a league match at Abington Park, things are not going your way when you are having a bowl. So how do you respond to this mini-crisis?
    1. Offer to take yourself off, for the good of the team.
    2. Feel like exploding. But after counting to 10, regain your self control and promptly skittle out the remaining batsmen and end up with a very jugable 6 for 23.
    3. Lose it completely, and kick the f##king stumps down.
3. It’s the tour, and the tea, goes for the traditional curry. You shock your team mates by not ordering scampi and chips, so the skipper asks if you would like some popadoms to go with your mouth watering meal. How do you respond to this simple question?
    1. ‘Wouldn’t say no to a couple of big uns.’
    2. ‘Yes, but the forecast looks better for tomorrow.’
    3. ‘No thanks, I’m not really a wine person.’
4. Next day, in the match against Melplash, you are having a bat. As the senior pro in the club, you know that all the team looks up to you as a player of great skill, courage and integrity. Whilst facing the hostile Melplash attack, the opener digs in a short pitched delivery. How do you play it?
    1. Step inside the line, and despatch the ball over square leg for a glorious 6.
    2. Watch the ball whistle past your nose, and remark ‘I say bowler, I hope you realise that this is supposed to be a friendly.’
    3. Panic, fall to the ground, and end up being bowled on the third bounce.
5. Later in the game, you get out for yet another low score. After your customary bat-hurling, glove-chucking, jock strap-lobbing chin on, you have to field. So the skipper puts you on the boundary to calm down. The batsman skies a ball in your direction, so what should you do next?
    1. Make a stunning catch, plucking the ball from the sky with style and grace.
    2. Drop it, so earning yourself even more chin points.
    3. Pretend that your Eric Thorstvedt and put the ball over the bar, and so over the boundary for a 6.
6. After the match, you return to the luxury hotel that you’re staying in. Much beer has been consumed at the pub after the game, and so nature calls. What do you do ? (NB. You are unclothed)
    1. Go to the loo in your en-suite room.
    2. Tie a knot in it.
    3. Go to the loo down the corridor wearing not so much as a smile, only to find you’ve been locked out of your room on your return.
7. It is the first game back after your, and are playing against Prims on Abington Park. After hitting a useful 23, Prims are chasing about 120 to win. The last pair are in, and need only 5 to win, and so the tension is high. The skipper, in his infinite wisdom, puts you in at short mid-wicket. The bowler puts in a short one, which the batter paddles in your direction. It lobs gently in the air. What should you do?
    1. Dive full length and take a stunning catch to win the game.
    2. Make a valiant effort to get near the ball, but put it down. Then, in the ensuing confusion, both batsmen end up at one end, so you lob the ball to the bowler who whips off the bails.
    3. Drop the catch, throw the ball to no-one, and so lose the game.
8. You are playing against Ryelands Old Boys at Kingsthorpe rec. Known as having a bit of a short fuse, you are always on your guard so as to avoid any possible confrontations with opposing players. But you let things get out of hand today. A few words are exchanges with an opponent on the field of play, and feelings are running high. After coolly analysing the situation, what do you do next?
    1. Calmly walk away, much to everyone’s astonishment.
    2. In a sporting gesture, shake hands with your opponent.
    3. Deck him.
9. Later in the season, you again play against Ryelands Old Boys, this time at Weston Favell. Known as having a bit of a short fuse, you are always on your guard so as to avoid any possible confrontations with opposing players. But you let things get out of hand today. A few words are exchanges with an opponent on the field of play, and feelings are running high. After coolly analysing the situation, what do you do next?
    1. Calmly walk away, much to everyone’s astonishment.
    2. In a sporting gesture, shake hands with your opponent.
    3. Deck him.
10. You are the club skipper, and have the total respect of all your players in every decision you make. Today, you have the problem of picking a team for the NCA Cup match against the Saints. You have so far pencilled in 9 players, but are still scratching your head as to who to pick for the final 2 places. How do you proceed?
    1. Unsuccessfully phone Ian Botham and Imran Khan (previous engagements in a test match apparently.)
    2. Fill the spare places with 2 true St Michael’s players who would die for the club ie: Gilly and Coxy.
    3. Pick a twat of a ringer in the guise of Jason Burnham, and field a team of only 10 players.

 

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