St Michael's Cricket Club


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Are you the club arsehole?

Find out, in this short questionnaire type thing.

You arrive at the ground for the match. Do you

  1. Get changed and enjoy a bit of practice.
  2. Stand around, awaiting instructions from the captain.
  3. March out to the wicket, stuff your car keys down any cracks, and announce ‘It’ll turn square, skip, and the good news is that my spinning finger has healed’.

You are watching some young boys playing on the edge of the boundary. Do you

  1. Amble over and suggest they try to hit through the line with a straight bat
  2. Just let the enjoy the thrill of trying to hit the ball as far as possible.
  3. Barge in on their game, force them to hit on the off side only and make them both cry when you hit their bare shins with your quicker ball.

You come into bat. Do you

  1. Take guard and have a quick look around before setting down to bat.
  2. Don’t bother with a guard, and just use the biggest mark on the crease.
  3. Ask for the sight-screen to be moved for the first time this season, take guard, prod down the slightest blemish on the wicket, and then call for a ludicrous single off your first delivery, causing the run out of the other batsman.

The first four balls of your first over go for 4, 6, 6, and 4. Do you

  1. Admire the batsmen for his exemplary hitting.
  2. Laugh at your own incompetence.
  3. Berate short third man for not standing in a one saving position, tell the captain you should be on from the other end, and warn the non-striker for backing up.

You are doing a stint of umpiring. Do you

  1. Limit yourself to trying to count to 6 regularly, and no giving a plum LBW as the batter is in your Fantasy XI.
  2. Give any decision as you see it, regardless of the match position.
  3. No ball the bowler for not informing you of his action, warn him for running on the pitch (even though here’s wearing a pair of Dunlop Greenflash), and signal one short when the batsman reaches 50.

Score your answers as follows.

  1. 5 points
  2. 10 points
  3. 20 points

25-30 points : You are a joy to play with. A good team man who plays with the right level of competitiveness.

35-50 points : You don’t take the game seriously enough. If you want to piss about, go and play for the Bold dragoon. This game of cricket is a serious business.

55-100 points : Have you any idea how much your team mates hate you? They can’t bear to be with you and pray you’re going to be poleaxed by a bouncer. Do you know why you found Deap Heat sprayed on the inside of you box? Keep well away from the club bar-b-cue - they’ve got plans!!


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