St Michael's Cricket Club

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All cricketers have big appetites. The combination of hard graft in the field and long journeys whilst going on tour means the lads like to work hard and play hard. Some of the guys like a beer or two. Others have a soft spot for the ladies. A few may even pass the time puffing on a crack pipe. As for me, well, I like the occasional spot of dinner.

After a day of laying willow onto leather, there’s nothing more pleasant than the sight of a pile of carbohydrates on china. The fellows rib me now and then about my eating, but I still feel as lithe and trim as ever.

So here’s a few of my favourite recipes just for you.

Pottage avec le pain blanc

  • 1 uncut white loaf
  • 1 tin of soup (any variety)
  • Butter
  • Salt and pepper

Tear a slice off the end of the loaf. Pull the insides out. Pour in the hot soup. Push of bed back in to soak up the soup. Top off with a knob (1lb) of butter. Salt and pepper to taste. Put on a plastic mac, and then eat with gusto.

Chocolate sandwich

  • 2 x 2lb bars of Cadbury’s Milk
  • 1 jar of chocolate spread
  • Butter

Unwrap the choc choc. Smear the smooth sides with butter, then add generous dollops of chocolate spread. Form a sandwich with the two slabs. Eat as if you’ll never eat another meal again.

Crispy Chicken Tikka

  • 4 x Marks & Spencer Family Size Heat ‘n’ Serve Chicken Tikkas
  • 1 pint cream
  • 1 jar mango chutney
  • 1 economy size box of cornflakes

Pour the heated Tikkas into a large bucket. Ladle the cream over the meat. Sprinkle liberally with cornflakes and top off with several spoonfuls of mango chutney. Eat with a trowel, reminding your friends to watch their fingers, should they get too neat your mouth.

Kebab la Brian

  • 1 Donner kebab (kebab, skewer, the whole f##king lot)
  • 1 bottle of tomato ketchup

Kneel on the floor in front of rotating kebab. Using a chainsaw, slice huge chunks of meat off the kebab. As they fall, catch the chunks in your mouth. Squirt in the tomato ketchup to taste. Make huge slurping noises as you eat.

Brian’s cow pie
  • 1 cow (boned)
  • 14 tins of Bisto gravy granules
  • 2 gallons of water
  • 1 duvet-sized slab of puff pastry

Put cow in bath. Cover with gravy granules. Shower in the water. Slap on the pastry. Cook for 1 hour in industrial microwave. Enjoy. Serves one (me). Eat in the manner of a hyena, chomping on a gazelle.

Big Bri loves a BBQ

 

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