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    SMR Handicapped Hurdle

Yes folks, we’re off to the races, and wacky ones at that. We at the SMR are sponsoring a new event on the nag’s circuit for 3 legged ex-pantomime horses. And what a strong field we’ve managed to attract. Like flies to shit, these desperadoes have flocked from bars all over town to Loftyhouse for this afternoon’s big race, all in the desperate hope of winning the day’s big prize - a round off Pete Capon. (Who he ? Ed.) So without further ado, let’s look at the runners and riders. Over to you, Peter.

 

Graham Mayes in disguise??

Mad Dog
(S Parry)
Much prefers running in the company of fillies. This beast probably needs to be blinkered and gelded to stand any realistic chance today. Would much prefer to be in stud.
Youngstar
(M Swann)
An old stager, this ‘mare is absolutely useless at evening meetings as he’s never allowed out. Often criticised for wearing bland colours, his desire to travel to away meetings is also questionable.
The Chin
(S Walton)
This colt has a very suspect temperament. On his day, he can compete with the best, but unfortunately he isn’t racing any donkeys today.
Good Ale
(M Baker)
Perhaps the best in the field. Blossomed in mid-season, and held his form through late summer, this sleeping giant is a good each way bet. Though don’t put your money on him being first to the bar.
Narcissus
(M Collier)
Often flatters to deceive, could today be the day that it all comes together ? Always looks good in the paddock, or so he tells us.
Man o’ Chaos
(K Mason)
Often plagued by injury, this old cart horse is coming to the end of an illustrious career (surely shome mistake ? Ed.). Probably more suited to the pony club trials.
Banjo Bill
(W Kingston snr)
One for the glue factory, he has seen better days. But has recently shown signs of his former glories. Has plenty of spirit, but will this be enough to keep him going after closing time ?
Weeny Head
(D Harrison)
Often the subject of protests due to his jet propelled backside, this pony often shows signs of brilliance, but don’t let him near a can of beans.
Calculating My Average
(G Mayes)
Often compared to a gazelle, though no one is quite sure why, this ‘mare is highly regarded (only by himself! Ed.). Says he’s running in company well below his own capabilities, though will probably fall at the first.
The Bear
(B Ahearn)
Might have a problem getting out of the stalls, he also has a reputation for having a slow start. Come to think of it, he also has a slow middle and a slow finish. A long shot, to put it mildly.
Silver Fox
(R Bonney)
Every race has a grey in it, ad this nag is greyer than most. Written off to the glue factory almost every year, he just seems to run and run. The thought of buying a round seems to make him run even faster.
Oi! You’re nicked!
(K Cox)
A complete outsider, with absolutely no form to speak of whatsoever, this pantomime horse is a possible one to look out for in the Christmas panto.
Long Hopper
(A Gasper)
A relative newcomer, not much is known about him except that he’s a bit erratic. Correction, make that very erratic.

Race result - all fell at the first.

 

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