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The Quiz

Yes folks, it’s quiz time again. We at the SMR have been going through the memorable events that have occurred over the past season or two and we’ve assembled this collection of questions to see if you’ve been paying attention. So without further ado, here goes.

  1. You are playing against Primrose Hill. The game is a close one, and goes down to the last over and the skipper, in his infinite wisdom, has asked you to bowl it with the last pair in. It eventually comes down to the last ball. You need 1 wicket to win, and they need a six. How do you bowl this most crucial of deliveries ?
    1. Bowl a perfect inswinging yorker, and knock out the leg stump.
    2. Bowl an awayer, which the batsman just fails to get a touch to.
    3. Bowl a nice juicy long hop, which the number 11 gleefully knocks into next week. You TWAT Tony !!!
  1. You are playing against United Social II at Kingsthorpe Upper School. As usual, you are keeping wicket. The skipper, whilst having a bowl, digs in a short one, to which the batter can only get a top edge. Do you
    1. Allow the bowler to follow through to take an easy catch.
    2. Coolly step forward yourself, do a couple of back flips with a full twist, and take a cool as f##k catch behind your back with your eyes shut.
    3. Shout out ‘KEEPERS’, get out of your blocks like a constipated hedgehog, to where the ball is going to land, but instead of taking a straightforward catch, let it hit earth like a falling lump of seagull shit.
  1. Whilst umpiring in the same match, the Utd. Social opening bowler appeals for an LBW decision. How do you react ?
    1. Give the decision in the bowler’s favour - it would have knocked all 3 down.
    2. Give the benefit of the doubt to the batter. He is quite well forward, after all.
    3. As the batsman is in your Town League Fantasy XI, shout ‘Not out Sooty’, and chuck him his sweater back.
  1. It’s tour time again. Whilst playing at Crayke in North Yorkshire, the batsman blasts a cover drive past your despairing flop. Whilst giving chase, the ball starts to slow up near the boundary and there’s still a chance that you might retrieve the situation. So, what do you do ?
    1. Pull up short of the boundary. Hey, you might get your whites solid.
    2. Dive full length, scoop the ball back just in time, and in one motion, throw it back right over the stumps, causing a double run out.
    3. Slow down, then speed up again, and not having the intelligence realise there’s an open ditch 5 feet away, end up arse over tit in a cow field.
  1. Later that night, after the match against Crayke, all and sundry head back to the local Ale House to sample the local hospitality. As it gets towards closing time, the other members of the team are slowing down their alcohol consumption, but you dismiss this move, and continue to knock it back as if there’s no tomorrow. As the minibus moves off for the long journey home, you feel on top of the world. In fact, you’ve probably just had one of the best evenings you can remember. But as the journey gets into full swing, you start to lose your exuberance, and to tell the truth, feel quite ill. What do you do next ?
    1. You’re a man, godammit! Even if you feel as sick as a parrot, you’re not going to let on. So when the bus stops for the next piss stop, you quickly run into the nearest field , and like the man you are, get it over with as quickly as possible by putting two fingers down your throat, and throw your guts up over a wide area, just like a slurry spreader in fact. Then back to the minibus, where no one suspects a thing.
    2. Start to groan like a pregnant goat, so forcing the minibus to stop for the eighth time in 45 minutes, and promptly throw your guts up, and full view of your team mates in the headlights of the bus. Well, at least it’s all out now, and the journey can continue.
    3. Say now’t. The first thing everybody else knows about your rather unstable medical condition is when a wall of puke suddenly envelopes the second and third rows of people behind you. But not content with one spew, you do an encore, and so remind us all what a great bloke you are and how we all love you. Still, at least you managed to cover Brian with a good mouthful.
  1. You are doing a quiz for the St Michael’s Review, and suddenly run out of things to put in it. What do you do now ?
    1. Take a break. You’re bound to think of something sooner or later.
    2. Think of what other really stupid things Tony Osborne has done recently.
    3. Give up.


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