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The Diary of Atul Jewitt       Aged 17

31 Dec 1997

The end of another year, and what a wicked one it’s been. But it’s time to look into the future, and make some resolutions for 1998. Here goes.

  1. Drink a pint of shandy legally. I’m 18 next year, and so won’t have to get my brother’s mate Craig to buy Shandy Bass for me.
  2. Snog a girl.
  3. Get a shag
  4. err....that’s it.
              Atutl Jewitt pens his thoughts

1 Jan 1998

Well. That’s all my new year’s resolutions accomplished. Wicked !! What a year 1998 is going to be if it carries on like this.

5 Jan 1998

It’s the first indoor cricket net. They’re being held in my school, so I feel really important when I turn up in my PE shirt. It’s just great to see the lads again. Everyone looks a bit plumper after the excesses of Christmas, especially Brian. Cakey’s looking a bit thin on top - must be all those sleepless nights breast feeding. (I wonder what milk from a bird’s boobs tastes like ?)

I bowl really well. In fact, so well that I wish the season would start tomorrow. Except that it can’t of course, as the football posts are still up on the playing fields. And it’s too wet. And my whites are still dirty from the last game from last season. Apart from that, I really do wish the season would start tomorrow.

26 Jan 1998

Another net, another shandy. Monday nights are just wicked.

Tonight, Kev Mason comes along. Nobody is sure how old Kev is. But I reckon he’s about 70, because my Grandad says he went to school with him in the 1940s.

My batting has fallen away ever so slightly during the winter lay-off. I’m getting hit on the pads quite a few times. I reckon it’s because the indoor nets are quicker than the grass wickets we play on during the summer. Sometimes, the ball seems to be coming at me so fast that I have to jump out of the way. This makes me look like a disco dancer, which is really wicked as there’s a girl in my class who really likes disco dancing. Perhaps she’ll fancy me when I put my new found skills in practice on the dancefloor at our weekly disco nights in the 6th form common rooms on Thursday lunchtimes. I really hope so !! 16 Feb 1998

I can’t go to nets tonight as I’m working. I work every other night at McDonald’s. It’s really wicked. You get loads of really nice birds coming in to buy hamburgers, and some of them have got really nice tits !! Last week, I accidentally on purpose spilled some milkshake on one girl’s blouse, and so had to clear it up with a napkin. I then had to go to the gents to clean myself up with a napkin. WICKED !!!

2 March 1998

I’ve got my mock A-Level exams this week. I’m doing physics, chemistry and maths. If I get the right grades, I want to go away to University in Exeter. The course isn’t particularly great, but the UCAS guide says that it’s got the highest ratio of female to male students of all universities. So I’m bound to get a shag !! WICKED !!

27 March 1998

Tonight is the AGM. It’s going to be held in a Working Man’s Club, so the shandy and crisps will be really cheap, and I should be able to get pissed on 4.50.

When I get there, all the other lads are already supping away, so I immediately join in and start to tell my latest joke. Here it is. Two elephants fell off a cliff. BOOM BOOM !!!!

Matt, in his captain’s report, goes over the highlights of last season. My name is only mentioned once, when I took 2 for 95 against Delapre IIs. I feel really proud, and show how pleased I am with myself by getting a really big hard-on..

13 April 1998

I went to the cinema last night to watch a film. But in the end, I didn’t see much of it. I went with this girl who comes in to McDonald’s for Sunday lunch every Wednesday. She’s called Kelly, and she’s really pretty. We saw a soppy love story film, because that’s what Loaded magazine says is the best type of thing to see on a first date. They obviously know what they’re talking about, because I got a wicked snog at the end. We’re going out again next week. She wants me to go shopping with her for baby clothes. It must be for her little brother or sister.

21 April 1998

I’m so sad. It turns out that we went to Mothercare to buy baby clothes for Kelly’s daughter. That means that she’s shagged another man. And I thought she was so special. She tells me that the father has run away and won’t take responsibility for the child’s upbringing. But I think that she can blame no one but herself. Anybody that goes and gets bladdered down at Ritzy on their 15th birthday is asking for it in my opinion.

2 May 1998

HOORAY !! Today’s the first day in the new cricket season, and I’ve been asked to play. Matt, the captain, says that I’ve got a crucial role to play. He says that I’m going to be the fourth bowler, and that he wants me to bowl a good line and length, and not to try anything silly. In the end, I get spanked for 74 off 6 overs. But I do get a couple of wickets, caught in the deep. In the end, Matt says that I should have a blow. That’s good captaincy for you.

I don’t get a bat. But I’m not in the team for my batting, so Matt tells me. Tebs says I’m not in the team for my bowling either. Ginger tosser !!!

23 May 1998

It’s another lovely day, and I’ve been picked again for St Michael’s. Matt says that he hasn’t picked me for the last 2 games as he wants to keep me fresh for the second half of the season. He’s very old and wise is Matt, and obviously knows what he’s talking about. That must also be why he never asked me to bowl. It seems that the second half of the season is where he feels I can best help the team. I just can’t wait.

19 June 1998

Today is my last day at school. I’ve finished my A-Levels now, and so am free until the autumn, when I hope to go off to University. After lunch, we meet and say goodbye to all the teachers. I go and give Miss Cheapside a goodbye kiss. She’s my chemistry teacher, and she’s got lovely boobs. I try and give one a squeeze, and she gives me a slap across the face. I guess this is what they mean about a woman playing hard to get. Anyway, I still get a hard-on. Wicked !!!

7 July 1998

I’m off on holiday today. That means that I won’t be able to play in the next game for St Michael’s, but Matt says that’s OK, as he was going to rest me this week anyway. What a wise old captain Matt is.

I go down to Newquay, because that’s where lots of cool dudes hang out with surfboards. They all wear their baseball caps on back to front, and all have dead cool shades. The shades are really good, as they have reflective lenses, which means that you can look at girls boobs for ages without getting slapped in the face. WICKED !!

9 July 1998

What a night I had last night. Met this girl called Cindy from Cardiff. She was gorgeous. We were both drinking loads of orange flavoured Hooch when I was sick all over her front. She didn’t seem to mind though. I’m seeing her again tomorrow.

10 July 1998

Cindy never turned up for our date. What a cow !!!

15 August 1998

What a great game cricket is. Today, I got my first ever Michelle (Pfeiffer). ‘What’s one of those ?’ I here you ask. It’s Cockney rhyming slang for ‘five for’. I took 5 wickets in our game against Abington. I was just unplayable. Apart from my first, second, seventh, eleventh and twelfth overs, when I took some stick. This means that I’ll have to get a jug of shandy in at the end of season bash. Except that I won’t be there as I’ll be at university. I suspect Brian will ask for the money before I go down so he can get a free beer. Greedy bastard.

29 August 1998

The season’s over already. We lost our last game to Dallington. In fact, we got stuffed. But I played well. In fact I got half of the wickets when we bowled. (1 for 7). Then, that evening, we all went down to the King Billy for a piss-up. It was really great. At the end, we had a lock-in. I got so pissed that I had to stay at Simon’s house. I even threw up in the kitchen sink. Not wicked. Next day, when I got back home, my parents gave me a real bollocking. My dad told me never to drink again, and that I was grounded for a week. They also banned me going on the tour in a fortnight. NOT WICKED !!! 2 October

So here I am at University. It’s miles to Exeter. In fact, as the crow flies, it’s just as far away as Brussels. But I didn’t go by crow. My dad drove me down, so it was as far as Amsterdam. (I’d love to go there. Loads of women just gagging for a shag !!) My accommodation’s OK. It’s a bit small, but I reckon that I’ll be able to sneak girls back without too much trouble. It’s just a shame that I’ll have to do some studying. There’ a really nice girl on my course. She’s called Alexia and she’s from Manchester. She tells me all about what a groovy place it is up there. When I ask her why she’s at Uni here, she tells me that she had to escape because a drugs warlord had put a price on her head. When I asked her how much, she wouldn’t say. But I reckon it’s got to be at least 75. If she had bigger boobs, I reckon it would be more like 95.

15 November 1998

University is still going great. Loadsa drinking and partying, shagging, etc. Not much working though. Which is a shame really, because I’ve got all these lovely books on my shelf just gathering dust. I wonder what their re-sale value will be if I drop out ?

31 December 1998

Well. Another year’s come to an end. In fact, it only seems a year ago that I was starting to write this diary. And what fun it’s been.

The great thing about writing a diary is that it’s all secret. Just me, a pen and some paper. All my personal thoughts can go down, and no-one will ever know about them. Not even my mum and dad. Or the lads at St Michael’s. Can you imagine what it would be like if they were to read all this ? No - neither can I.

WICKED !!!

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