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Collier in book row

‘He betrayed our trust, the w**ker’ says Harrison

In a move which has angered all right thinking heterosexual males, Matt Collier, the legendary captain of St Michael’s CC, has published a book of his experiences over the last cricket season.

Entitled ‘Look at me - I’m gorgeous’, Collier recounts blow by blow, to every last detail, the events of the 1998 Town League Section 2 campaign. Highlights that we can exclusively reveal here in the SMR include :

  • He ran out of loo paper during a crap one Sunday morning.
  • An admittance that he appealed for a catch, knowing it was a bump-ball.
  • He ran out Bill Kingston because he wasn’t scoring quickly enough.
  • A stroke by stroke replay of his innings of 2 not out against Billing.
  • err.... that’s it.

Players from St Michael’s were unsurprisingly infuriated at the book’s publication. One, who wished to remain anonymous said ‘It’s a disgrace. All those times that I put the flags out before the game around the boundary, and this is how he treats me. I didn’t even get a mention. I just don’t know how to react. In fact, I’m going to end it all right now. Pass me the valium and that bottle of cyanide.’

Others were less desperate, but still as scathing. A certain Mr Mayes said ‘I’m very hurt indeed. For all the years I’ve known Matthew, he’s never said he was thinking of writing a book. If I’d have known, I wouldn’t have ran him out all those times when we used to play down at the GSCG. Do you want my photo now or later ?’

Matt Collier is 82.

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