St Michael's Cricket Club


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    The Quiz

Yes folks. Here’s your starter for 10...

We just know how everyone likes to test their brain cells, and so we at the SMR have been collating questions from the previous season’s moments to remember. And what fun we had.

So re-live those balmy summer days and see how many of these incidents you remember..

1 It is the end of season sesh, and as usual, you come along for what is bound to be an evening of good banter, good ale and good nosh. As the evening wears on, you find that the alcohol is starting to affect you. You don’t drink as much as you used to, and so these sessions with the boys aren’t so easy to get through. When the time comes to leave for the curry house, do you :
a) Admit to one and all that you’ve had enough. You may get a slating, but at least you’re sensible enough to realise that you’ve reached your limit.
b) Come for a shandy at the Balti House, have a popadom, and then say your farewells. At least you tried.
c) Go to the Balti house, order a beer, munch on some popadoms and then order a main course (and not a cheap one too!!). Feeling like a bag of shite, you leave the table and go to the loos, walk straight through the fire exit and all the way home, without as much as a goodbye or leaving any money to pay for your uneaten meal.
2 The AGM comes round again. In fact, it only seems a year since the last one. You search your wardrobe for a clean shirt, get that old tweed jacket out, try and find a clean pair of underpants, when suddenly, disaster strikes and you aren’t able to attend. Why ?
a) It’s the wife’s birthday, and you’ve promised to take her out for a romantic meal for two with the Parker-Smyths from across the road.
b) Your dog starts shitting all over the living room carpet. The vicar is coming round tomorrow for tea, and you can’t possibly go out when there’s doggy doo all over the place.
c) The ceiling starts to fall in. Not metaphorically on your own little world, but the ceiling literally above your head. Still, at least the insurance money will allow the purchase of some new curtains.
3 You live for cricket. In fact you love cricket so much, winter can only mean one thing - indoor nets. So off you trundle one cold and miserable Monday night for another session with the lads from St Michael’s. You no longer play for the club (except from the odd Saturday when your team have a free week in a real league), but you still like to keep in touch, and to show them how superior a cricketer you are to them. To prove the point, you often take great pleasure in displaying your vast array of shots, in the vain hope that the form will carry over into the summer. But this evening, you misjudge a friendly full-toss, which promptly smacks down onto your big toe. With tears welling up in your eyes, what do you do ?
a) Clench your teeth, take deep breath, and carry on batting, trying to give the impression that all is fine and dandy. You just can’t let on that you’ve been hurt, otherwise the piss taking will come in droves.
b) Say that you’ve just realised that you’ve got a dentist appointment, and must dash to give your teeth a quick floss.
c) Try to carry on, but the pain gets too much, so hobble out of the nets in great pain, and much to everyone’s amusement.
4 Now the season has started, and you’re scoring runs like the run machine you are. Once again, you have received special permission to guest in the Garnett Cup. You are scoring freely, when the bowler hurls one down the leg side. You go to flick it down to fine leg, but, uncharacteristically, miss-time the shot, and it raps your pad. The bowler leaps in the air. ‘HOWZAT’ he exclaims to the doddering old fool masquerading as an umpire. To your disbelief, he raises his finger, possibly in shock. You are dumbstruck. It was never going to hit the stumps, and you are unsure how to react. Should you
a) Accept the decision. You walk back the your team mates, and say that it was a fair decision.
b) Accept the umpire’s decision. You walk back to your team mates, but when back to the safety of the pavilion turn back to the middle, show 2 fingers to the umpire, and shout to him that he’s a disgrace to umpiring, and next time he should bring his guide dog and white stick.
c) Stand your ground. That was never out. Realising that the old fart is not going to change his mind, show copious amounts of ‘teenage attitude’, and at the same time lowering everyone’s high opinion of yourself. (can it go any lower ? Ed.) as you tut and drag your bat, all the way back to the tent.
5 You are probably St Michael’s most consistent performer with the bat, but recently, you have been enjoying a rich vein of poor form. Today, a trip to East Haddon is in the cards. Gilly puts the team in with a chance to win the game with an inspired bowling performance. As ever, you open the reply, but are soon back in the pavilion after weakly submitting your wicket to the home team’s opening bowler. How do you react to this, by now, customary failure ?
a) Remove your pads, reflect for a moment, and then join your team mates to watch the rest of the innings.
b) Put your bat thorough the pavilion window in a fit of rage. AARRRGGGHH !!!
c) Go off in a huff to the local pub, never to be seen again.
6 You decide to book a holiday with 3 of your mates. As you are a teacher, you can only go away when the schools have broken up, and so your chums have to fit in the holiday around you. But as you’re all mates, it’s not a problem. The chosen destination is Turkey - it’s hot, cheap, and there’s bound to be loads of totty just gagging for a shag. So how do you proceed ?
a) Go away with the boys for a shagtastic week away in the sun.
b) Realise that you’re supposed to be at a wedding, but tell your mate who’s getting married that you can’t come anyway because you’re on for a guaranteed shag.
c) Be a sad bastard, deciding to go to the wedding instead. Still, at least the 3 others are now guaranteed to shag now that you won’t be tagging along with them.
7 You are an underrated batsmen. You crave to be allowed to open the batting, but the skipper thinks you can’t bat for toffee, so yet again, you’re forced to bat way down the order. Today, we’ve been put into bat. Slow progress is made, but when you go in to bat in the last over, you are caught between the dilemma of protecting your average or swinging the willow like a penis in a whore house. You choose the latter. The first ball leaps up off a length, and brushes your glove through to the keeper. The bowler and keeper both appeal, but what should you do now ?
a) Walk. You play for a Christian team, and the Lord will frown upon you all for such ungentlemanly conduct.
b) Seeing that the umpire is not going to raise his finger, and not wishing to be chastised by your skipper for giving away your wicket, continue with the swipe, and accidentally on purpose tread on your stumps.
c) Hold your ground. The umpire is paid to do a job, and if he doesn’t give you out, then so much the better. And it will do wonders for your average too.
8 It is another lovely day for a game of cricket. Today, you are playing in the beautiful grounds of Castle Ashby House. You are fielding at mid on, when the batsmen miss-times a drive, spooning the shot in your direction. It looks, on paper, a simple catch. But instead of taking a straightforward catch, you suddenly crouch down on the ground. Why ?
a) You suddenly think that you are 15 years old and are starring in your school’s performance of Jesus Christ Superstar, and are trying to re-inact the scene where you cower away upon seeing a vision of the Lord.
b) You here the flapping of wings, and duck as an osprey dive bombs you, as you have a dead mouse on your head.
c) The sun is in your eyes, but instead of adjusting your position to take this in to account, you remove your cap to get a better view. D’OH !!!
9 You have played for St Michael’s for more year than you’d care to remember. In fact, some have said that you’ve played for more years than they’d care to remember too. In your advancing years, you’re not as mobile as you used to be. Your reactions have slowed somewhat, and you can’t bend down like you used to. So how do you deal with those balls that come along the floor ?
a) Just dive on the bloody thing. At least when it goes past you you can’t be accused of not trying
b) Stick out a foot. If contact is made, so much the better. But if you miss, you still give chase.
c) Stick out a foot, missing contact 7 times out of 10, and when it does roll past, look around for someone else to run after it. When that fails to happen, give a dirty look to the nearest fielder 40 yards away, and then hobble after the ball as the batsmen turn for run number 7.
10 It is the club’s end of season ‘tour’. On Saturday night, the team goes into Derby for beer and curry. A fleet of taxis are ordered, and cost a reasonable 9 each. The return journey doesn’t turn out so well. Your driver seems not to know the way back to Sawley, and does a detour via Nottingham, Beeston, etc, until finally arriving back at your hotel in the wee small hours. But does he take into consideration his lack of cartography when it comes to the final fare ?
a) The meter states 25, but after you reason with him, he sees that it would be unreasonable to insist on the full fair, and so agrees to accept 12.
b) Have a full blown argument about the fact that he doesn’t know his arse from his elbow, and refuse to pay the full fare. You give him 15 and let yourself out.
c) Refuse to pay the full fare. Give him a tenner, and when he doesn’t open the centrally locked doors, climb out of the window, giving him a tip of a 50 peseta coin.

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