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European Super League Shocker

St Michael’s ‘in talks’ to play in ground-breaking venture

The cricket world was shook to its foundations last night when it became clear that St Michael’s Cricket Club were in negotiations to join the proposed European Super League, due to be launched in the year 2000.

A club insider who did not wish to be named, but who was seen leaving the King Billy with a suitcase stuffed full of used 20 notes said when pressed ‘All I can say is that yes, there have been discussions, but I’m not prepared to tell you anything more at this stage. There will be a full announcement in due course. Now f**k off, I’ve got to get to the bank before closing time.’ The unnamed character ran off in a pair of Youngstar tracksuit bottoms, and has not been seen or heard of since.

On news of the move leaking, shares in St Michael’s on the London Stock Exchange immediately rocketed, with traders scrambling madly, chasing what few shares that were available with increasing desperation.

The formula for the new league hasn’t been disclosed, but we at SMR can exclusively reveal the criteria being sought by the organisers.

  • A ground with a capacity for 35,000 spectators, half under cover. If not attainable, Kingsthorpe Rec. will do with a couple of extra benches.
  • A pavilion with changing rooms, power showers, secure lockers, together with restaurant/bar facilities. Alternatively, a knackered old tent will suffice.
  • A pitch that meets the requirements of a test match wicket, with a true, even bounce, that can be prepared throughout the year to the highest of standards. On the other hand, a clapped out piece of grass with pigeon shit and doggy doo liberally spread around will do.
  • Players of the highest calibre are required, with a minimum of 5 having had Test Match experience. Teams without the required numbers of quality players may field old donkeys such as Kev Mason.

St Michael’s have been allocated a guaranteed place in the league, subject to meeting the above criteria. Skipper Matt ‘Aren’t I gorgeous ?’ Collier was in ebullient mood, adding ‘Which goes better with these turquoise trousers ? This checked shirt of that cerise polo-neck ?’.

Bill Kingston is 79.

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